Reflecting on 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imzkwkgUF4E

2009 has been quite a year...filled with highs and lows. I've experienced some of the greatest joys of my life along with the most painful lows. As we get packed up for Christmas and I hustle to tie up loose ends at work and cook different dishes and wrap gifts I was hit with a thought that brought me to complete stillness. Last year on this very day I was pregnant and didn't even know it yet. I was told that there would be times all throughout this first year when grief would hit me out of the blue...this was one of those times. We have so much joy and anticipation as we approach our due date, but as that date nears we also approach the one year anniversary of our loss. In fact, they are only 7 days apart. As I reflect on the past year and enjoy the squirms and wiggles of our expected baby, I also want to verbalize my love for our first baby. We will be better parents b/c of the way our lives have been changed. We have so much to be thankful for...family and friends who we love very much. I am thankful for the love and support you have given us in 2009.

Loving the Holidays!

I have really been slacking on updating our blog! The holiday get-togethers and shopping have kept me busy! Time seems to be flying by, I can hardly believe we are in December already. Blake and I put up the Christmas tree and even did a little shopping last weekend. I wrapped some gifts and put them under the tree only to find that Tanner had eaten the tissue paper out of Phil's gift bag. I almost repackaged it, but then thought it was kind of cute and Phil would appreciate that Tanner chose his present to nibble on. I'm a little concerned about how Tanner is going to react to the baby-he has certainly been acting out lately and surprising me with his bad behavior...it might be time to get the crate back out when we aren't home!

We had our 27 week doctor appointment yesterday. This picture is this baby's face from the side. Baby is looking up and you can see the outline of his/her nose and lips. Those lips look like Blake's! As of right now baby is head down and measuring right on. Heartrate was about 137. We have one more 4 week appointment and then we begin seeing Dr. Lorenc every two weeks. The anticipation and excitement are really building. I've purchased a few simple newborn onesies, but have had an extremely hard time finding neutral things that I like! Luckily we just need the essentials in the beginning :) I am very excited about our diaper bag...Lisa is ordering it for us with the baby's name embroidered, but we won't open the box until the baby arrives! How cool is that!? I opted for the same bag she has for her baby girls-she has such a wealth of knowledge about babies and what you need/dont need, what works and what doesn't-we are very thankful for her friendship and wisdom! I think it's about bed time for me. good night :)

Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary

Yesterday Blake & I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. It was such a pretty day...sunny and crisp. Both of us felt like it was very similar to the weather on our actualy wedding day. We spent the day together just enjoying each other's company, exchanged gifts, and then went out for a special dinner at Eddie Merlot's. Blake also surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of roses and lillies. He sure knows how to select flowers! Our kitchen smells wonderful this morning, filled with the scent of lillies.
Thinking back on the past two years I feel so blessed to have a husband who is 150% committed to our marriage and to me. He puts forth so much effort in nurturing our relationship and keeping it strong. I appreciate him so much. It's hard for me to believe that two years have passed by already... I look forward to all of the promises the future holds for us. It isn't always easy and every day isn't a fairy tale, but being married to Blake is the best. There is no one else I would want as my lifelong partner.
I know that God put us together for His purpose. We were both on pretty destructive paths when we met, but together, we have become better individuals. There is still a lot of work to be done, but with a partner like mine, I know that growth is inevitable.

22 week Ultrasound Pictures

So much to be thankful for

Despite many days of rainy weather this week I can think of about a million reasons to give thanks. I had the opportunity to do some "fun, on-the-side" photography this week. On Tuesday I worked with a family of five. They were very cooperative considering it began raining right at the beginning of our session and never let up! Plus, they are pretty people, which makes my job easier :) Then on Thursday I took some fall pictures of Braxten, Morgan's 10 month old little boy. I have really enjoyed photographing him as he has grown this year! It's so neat chronicle children growing. I also met Heather and Gavin at Headwaters park for some pics in the leaves. So, even though work at the hospital has been slow, I have kept pretty busy!

I'm glad that there have been things to fill my time b/c Blake & I were anxiously awaiting today's Dr. appt. We had a formal ultrasound followed by a routine check-up with Dr. Lorenc. The ultrasound went extremely well. We had a great tech and I'll try to recall some of the stats here: baby weighs 1 lb 2 oz and my fluid is at 14. Heartrate was 144 and the cranial and spinal measurements were right on with dates. We looked away from the screen while the tech confirmed Dr. Lorenc's gender prediction, but they are keeping it a secret! She located all of the organs she was looking for, 4 chambers of the heart, toes and fingers....huge sigh of relief! I am so thankful and think it is such a miracle that we have had a healthy pregnancy so far. Each day is a blessing. The moments I enjoy most are in the stillness when I feel kung-fu practice going on in my stomach. Blake & I love to lay in bed at night with his hands on the baby and laugh at the kicks and "high-fives" we are given. Last night we were at my parent's house for dinner and my mom was able to feel a good kick too. Being pregnant is awesome! This is the best time of our lives and we anticipate even greater things to come! As soon as I get some of our ultrasound pictures scanned in, I will put them up.

Pictures from this weeks sessions

Ultrasound Progression

It's beginning to look a lot like....

... a nursery! Our bedding was delivered this week and we LOVE it! Everything came together even better than we had imagined. I couldn't get a good picture of the entire room, but we also hung our matching memory board and some other decorations. I can't wait for our rocking chair and changing table! I'm still searching for a black & white polka dot area rug...seems like it would be a simple item to find, but I haven't seen anything I like. Luckily, we still have plenty of time to find the right one :)

At our last appt. (which was about a week and a half ago at 18 wks) the baby looked and sounded great! Dr. Lorenc said I am measuring right on, which was encouraging. At our next appt. on October 30 we have an 'official' ultrasound scheduled before our OB visit. This is our big one when the tech will take measurements and look for any abnormalities. ...pray that everything goes well!

This is a picture from our 18 week ultrasound. Baby's heart rate was between 147-150. During the ultrasound Dr. Lorenc had us look away and he found out the gender of our little one. It's so exciting to us that he knows but we don't! ...twenty more weeks and we'll get an awesome surprise!! I can hardly believe we are half way there :)

The Greatest Feeling

Our baby's acrobatics have impressed me greatly over the past week! The once tiny flutters now feel much more intense. With each little jab I can't help but smile, and sometimes laugh out loud. I feel the movements of our baby in two spots, about 5 inches apart. My nonmedical assumption is that the lower movements I feel are tiny legs (they are strong and feel like "kicks") and what I occasionally feel near my belly button is an arm. I'm hoping that Dr. Lorenc can confirm my hunch on Friday, or tell me that I have it all wrong :)
I was always very curious about what it would feel like to have a baby moving around inside of me...it is nothing less than amazing. I cannot believe that we are almost to the half-way point!
We have our next check up this Friday morning at 8:30 am. I do not know whether an ultrasound will be performed or not, but I have been nervous about it. I know that God will not give us more than we can handle and I don't need to fret over all the "what if's" that life may bring, but it is a struggle for me. My mind wonders...what if the baby has a trisomy or Potter's Syndrome or some other issue? I have to keep a close check on my thoughts. I am not in control of this process, I'm merely along for the ride. All the worry in the world will not change God's plan. When the worries come I have been reciting a familiar passage from Matthew 6: 'Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself..." I have to remind myself to enjoy every moment and every kick that I get to experience, not waste my time in fear. This pregnancy and this child are a wonderful gift from God.

Fall Favorite!

As a child I remember that at some point during the fall Anne Heger would walk over and bring my mom some concord grapes that grew in their back yard. My mom would then use these grapes to make the most wonderful pie in the world! Making grape pie is quite a process, but it is worth it in the end! I look forward to the brief time during the fall when concord grapes can be found in the grocery store. Yesterday my mom found the grapes at Fresh Market and brought some over so I could make a pie. If you have patience and want to try a unique fall dessert, follow this recipe!!

Separate 4-5 c of concord grapes from their skins, save skins

Add 1 T lemon juice and simmer grapes for 5 minutes, then press to remove seeds

Return grapes to pan and add 1 c sugar, 1/4 c flour, 1/4 tsp salt, and skins.

Mix well and pour into pie crust. Add top layer of pie crust and coat with egg was hand sugar. Flute the top and bake 45 min at 375.

Cool completely and refridgerate.

And YES, I am aware that my presentation on the finished product is lacking. However, at 9:30 pm when the pie came out of the oven I was unable to practice self-control and wait for it to cool, so I dug right in! lol a key to this recipe is serving the pie cold, but a pregnant woman who has waited 10 months for grape pie doesn't really care about temp. or presentation!

9/15/09

Today hasn't been very different from any other Tuesday, but it could have been....should have been. Today, September 15, 2009, was our first baby's due date. As I walked into the hospital today and through the hall leading to the Birthplace, I couldn't help but tear up. I figured that on this date I would be wheeled up as a patient, deliver our baby, and leave the hospital as a family of 3 in a day or so. But I walked in alone and walked out alone, like every other day. As I sat in my office a expectant mother was walking the halls trying to speed up the labor process...it made my stomach knot to see her.

These past four months have been full of joy as we anticipate our winter baby. However, my heart still hurts and even as I sit here now typing, I can vividly remember sitting in this very chair on February 22 crying my eyes out and feeling like the rug had just been pulled out from under me. What we have experienced has made Blake and I stronger as a couple and individuals, but it has been painful. I went into the nursery today and got out the baby's memory box. I went through the momentos...the scrapbook I made, the letters, the ultrasound pictures, the items I had knit for the baby. One of the most precious items in the box are the socks. I was in the middle of taking a sock class when we found out that we had lost the baby. For days and nights I sat in bed knitting my socks...tears streaming down my face, it was something to keep my hands busy. It kept me sane. The women in the class with me knew that I was pregnant and at the last class someone asked me about the pregnancy which prompted me to reveal that I had miscarried a week earlier. I also revealed how much knitting this pair of socks had helped me. When the class was over, one of the older (wiser) women in the class came up to me and suggested that I knit a pair of baby socks with my leftover yarn that would match my pair. She said that someday I would have a beautiful healthy baby and that in the hospital we could wear our matching socks as a way to remember our angel baby. And so I did, the socks, both mine and baby's, are safely stored in the memory box. I can't wait until the next time I get them out...to take with us to the hospital in March.

14 weeks 3 days: Dr. Appt.

This morning Blake and I had an appointment with our doctor. I was so excited to go that I woke up at 5am and couldn't fall back asleep! This is the first time in my life I look forward to doctor visits :) He measured my tummy and said I didn't have a pooch yet, but I sure think I do! I can't wait to "look pregnant" but that will probably be at least another month because of my height and long torso. The baby's heartrate was around 151 and he/she is about 3 1/2 inches long. Oh, and I have gained 4 pounds since our last appointment, but anyways...

Dr. Lorenc said everything looks great and after our appointment he did another ultrasound. We were able to see some 3 and 4d images of the baby, but I was having contractions behind the placenta which made for a poor view! I cannot even begin to express how much it means to me to have these images of our baby and how reassuring it is to see how the baby is developing. The attentive care we have received is unbelieveable. I am so sure that we made the right decision switching doctors for this pregnancy. Undoubtedly God knew exactly what we needed and provided. Here are some of the pictures from this morning:

What's in a Name?

A LOT! I mean, seriously...it's a BIG deal! It's one thing to throw around names with your spouse or family when you aren't pregnant. At that point you don't really care whether anyone else likes them or not, you're just throwing a name out there and probably having a good laugh when other's say how hidious it is (ok, maybe that was just my experience!) However, when you are pregnant and actually deciding on the name that your child will possess for their entire life...that's some serious pressure. All of a sudden you aren't just thinking, "That's a cool name!" Instead, your mind goes immediately to what nicknames will people come up with? What offensive or dirty words rhyme with the name that could potentially become a recess taunt? What if our child doesn't like the name we give them?! THEN...if the name clears those question and makes the list of potentials, your spouse has to like it too (what are the chances?) THEN...if you and your spouse actually agree, everyone else in your families will give their opinions on it and end up unintentionally hurting your feelings or saying something ridiculous that automatically strikes the name from your list. I completely see why couples keep their baby names secret until after the delivery!

With all that said, Blake and I actually have been sharing our potential names with friends and family when asked. We've certainly received mixed reviews, but my take on the matter is: If you like the names, GREAT! If you don't, thank your parents for not choosing one of these names when you were in the oven! :) So, drum roll please............
Our boy's name will be: Christian Blake Patterson
Christian means "follower of Christ" and Blake means "peacemaker"
Our girl's name will be: Audrina Kay
Audrina means "noble strength" and Kay means "rejoice"

The meanings of the names are extremely important to us and we really like these. We chose middle names based on meaning and family legacy. Blake should be obvious :) but for those who don't know my middle brother's name is Blake also. Kay is in honor of my aunt who passed away many years ago on the date I was born.

Oh, and I must end with saying that although we are pretty set on these names, they may be subject to change over the next few months :)

A Taste of Fall

This weekend ended up being beautiful! The air is crisp and cool, reminding me that fall is just around the corner. I am so excited for Sunday afternoon football games, being able to turn off the AC let the fresh air spill inside, the leaves changing colors...fall is my favorite time of the year :)

We had a busy weekend: on Saturday we went up to Lake James with our doctor and his family. Blake and I photographed his entire family-8 adults and 8 children, including three sets of twins! While it was somewhat challenging working with toddler attention spans (of course I am referring to the children, not the adults :)), they are a beautiful family and we thoroughly enjoyed our time with them. When we got back from the lake, I found my knitting bag opened on the living room floor and balls of sock yarn strewn around. Oh, and there was a bite out of one of yarn bags I had from Knitting Off Broadway! Tanner was the obvious culprit...the bite gave it away. The minute I came in and spotted the bag, he flew onto the couch, ears back, and braced himself. I had to laugh...he didn't ruin anything in my bag. It seemed as though he was just letting me know, "Mom, I could have done it if I wanted to!"

Quick baby update! Today we are 14 weeks pregnant and have our next doctor appointment this Friday. The baby is 3 1/2 inches long and weighs 1.5 ounces, roughly the size of a lemon. Heartrate is still around 160 bpm. Knowing that at our upcoming ultrasounds we could find out whether we are having a boy or girl is tempting at times, but we are going to wait and find out once baby makes his/her debut! I'll update more after our appt. on Friday :)

End of the First Trimester

I am so glad to have made it to this point! It's so exciting to see my body changing and watch the baby growing. On Saturday we had another ultrasound. It was amazing as always...I could see the baby's tiny finger bones and his/her little legs and feet! We could even see the stomach and jaw bone. Baby was sucking his/her thumb...a habit I had forever :)

On Sunday afternoon my mom did a few pictures for Blake and I to mark the end of the first trimester...Here are a few of those along with some ultrasound pictures, I treasure these...

Tiny Toes

Blake and I have been so blessed to have a doctor who really cares about us. Our first OB appt. is on Thursday, but yesterday our doctor stopped by my office and asked if we would like another ultrasound. Of course I said yes! So he told us to come by the office later in the day. It has been so neat to see the way the baby is developing and how quickly things change!

While the pictures don't show it, as he moved the ultrasound probe over my stomach we could clearly see facial features like eyes and the little nose. We could also see the cutest tiny toes and the bottom of a foot. At the beginning of the scan, baby was just laying there, but all of a sudden he/she started jumping around! It was the coolest thing I've ever seen! Blake and I were both stunned and laughing out loud. I can't wait until we can feel those kicks and acrobatics.

The baby's heart rate was 160, which is very strong. It has gone up slightly from 157 last week. As far as size goes, baby is a little over 1 inch long and weight 1/4 oz. I think I had better go order some Pizza King to help baby grow! (Pizza King has been my craving for the past few weeks, I literally have them on speed dial...who would have thought!)

August Already?!

I can hardly believe today is August 1. This summer has gone by so fast and I know August will fly as well with all the birthdays and back to school for Blake and my brothers. We have so many August birthdays in our family...Gavin turns 3 today, Alex turns 11, Phil turns 23, Ryan turns 31, Aaron will be 19, Grandma Mary turns 79, Adam will be 29, and Emerson will celebrate her 1st birthday at the end of the month. That means lots of cake for me to eat :)

Blake and I did some work in the nursery this week. To utilize space, we purchased a closet system for the baby and Blake put the entire thing together himself. (I cheered him on and handed him parts!) We also took our first trip to Babies R Us together and decided that Blake will be responsible for selecting a girl's 'coming home' outfit and I will select a boy's outfit. We will bring both to the hospital and use whichever is appropriate. We enjoyed looking at the tiny clothes, but we will need to wait until the winter clothes come out to select our outfits.

Blake has been so supportive and kind to me (as he always is!) He does sweet things every day, but on two separate occasions this week he took me on a date and brought me home beautiful roses. I appreciate him so much. He puts such great effort into our marriage, school, and work...he really deserves praise for the amazing job that he does as a husband and provider.

The terrible nausea I was experiencing has decreased a lot this week. I'm still very uncomfortable and exhausted, but I began worrying when I wasn't feeling as terrible as I had been. (Crazy-I felt bad for feeling good...if that makes sense!) The girls in L&D were so sweet, they used a fetal doppler to find the baby's heartrate for me this morning. At first, we couldn't find it, all we could pick up was my slow heart rate. But then we heard it loud and clear, hiding under my pubic bone was the little peanut with the same heart rate as last week-157. Blake and I are ordering our doppler today and I think it will greatly help when I begin to worry. I know that I must have faith and trust God's timing, but it is a struggle for me. There are parts of my work that expose me to things that most women and certainly most pregnant women never see. There is no safe date, or point where I will feel like we are out of the woods. That won't happen until the baby is here and then I'm sure I'll have a whole new set of worries! However, I need to be reminded to enjoy every single moment and to be thankful for this amazing gift. As I begin to see visible changes in my body I am in awe, this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to us and I feel so fortunate.

Always

Music has always touched me deeply. It helps me cope, pray, worship...I could go on and on.

I usually listen to a song over and over again for a period of time. As it relates to where I am, I make it my prayer or find comfort in the words. For the past week or so I have been listening to "Always" by Building429 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6LTfueFPpM

The lyrics to the Chorus and the bridge go like this:

"I believe always, always our Savior never fails.

Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain and His promise remains,

He will be with you ALWAYS.

Friend I don't know where you are, and I don't know where you've been

Maybe your fighting for your life, just about to throw the towel in.

But if you're crying our for mercy, if there's no hope left at all,

If you've given everything you've got and you're still about to fall,

Hold on, Hold on, Hold on

Because I believe always, always our Savior never fails.

Even when all faith is gone, God knows our pain and His promise remains ALWAYS."

The chorus to this song brings me great comfort. I am tired and I am weary. I am afraid. This is "the week" I have been anticipating and fearing. I don't want history to repeat itself, but I don't get to make that call. I know that no matter what happens, HE will be with us ALWAYS.

Here is our latest ultrasound pic from last week, baby's heart rate was between 155-160.

A weight lifted off our shoulders

Blake and I had our first ultrasound on Monday. We were both so anxious all day...time seemed to be passing so slowly. When we finally headed to see our doctor we were both pretty quiet in the car. Our past experiences with ultrasounds haven't been the joyous moments one might anticipate, and the anxiety of going through that again was hitting me. Blake is such a rock for me, he was positive the whole time. I often wish I had his optimism.

Our doctor performed the ultrasound himself and I held my breath as he went searching for the baby. Within moments, there he or she was! I could have stared at the screen for hours...

We were so excited to see a steady heartbeat and that the baby is measuring right on.

While he or she does not look quite human yet :) we think he/she is pretty cute and it was an amazing experience.

The doctor told us that he was extremely pleased with everything that he saw and would put our risk of loss at this point at 1-2%. While from a medical perspective our doctor can say that, I know that God's plans dont always align with statistics. He gives and takes away and so we try very hard to be thankful for each day. 7 weeks down, 33 to go!

Strawberry Cake

Yesterday we had a few friends over to celebrate Ryan Holden's birthday. While he specifically asked me to make chocolate truffles for dessert, it wouldn't have been a birthday celebration without a cake! My mom and I had gone out for lunch and she suggested trying a strawberry cake, so I did...

It was DELICIOUS and a fun summer dessert to make!

I thought I would share the recipe:

Ingredients:

1 box white cake mix

1 (6 oz) box of instant strawberry jello

1 (16 oz) package of frozen strawberries, thawed and pureed

4 eggs

1/2 c vegetable oil

1/4 c water

Ingredients for Strawberry Cream Cheese Frosting:

1/4 c butter, softened

1 (8 oz) package of cream cheese, softened

1/4 c pureed strawberries

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

2 c powdered sugar

Fresh strawberries for garnish

Preheat oven to 350. Lightly grease two round cake pans.

In a large bowl, combine cake mix and 3 oz of jello mix. Add pureed strawberries, eggs, oil, and water. Beat at medium speed until smooth. Pour into prepared pans and bake for 20 minutes. Cool in pan 10 minutes, then remove and cool completely on a wire rack.

FROSTING:

Beat butter and cream cheese until creamy. Beat in 1/4 c pureed strawberries and vanilla extract. Gradually add powdered sugar and beat until smooth.

Spread frosting between layers and on top and sides of cake (frosting will be thin.) Garnish with fresh strawberries. Refridgerate.

And the journey begins again...

I have wanted blog for quite some time now, as a means of updating friends and family, but also for self-reflection...I find writing to be so therapeutic! Now is as good a time as any to begin this thing, so here we go!

After arriving home from our Florida vacation last week, Blake and I were so excited to find out that we are expecting again! We are 5 weeks pregnant today and will have our first OB appointment and ultrasound on July 13. I can't wait to see the baby and his or her tiny heart pumping. When you see your child on the ultrasound screen, you can't help but have your breath taken away in amazement. I would be lying if I said that I don't have any fears, but when those thoughts creep up, I just tell myself, "Everything is going to be ok, we will bring our baby home!" I realize now, more than ever that I have so little control over what is happening inside me. Basically, I'm just along for the ride. Blake and I cherish every day that we have during this pregnancy b/c 40 weeks aren't promised. Each passing moment is a miracle and coming to that understanding has made me grow as a person. I am so thankful for the nausea, tiredness, and trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night. (Blake thinks its pretty funny when I exclaim, "I feel like I'm going to puke, this is awesome!")

God has been so faithful to Blake and I. Our relationship has grown as we have walked through the valley together this year. I think that is why I have such a peace about this pregnancy...I know that no matter what happens, God will provide and Blake and I will survive. We are so much stronger as a couple and individuals today than we were a year ago. Romans 5:3-4 says "but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

So now we hope and wait and pray for a healthy bundle of joy due March 2, 2010!