9/15/09

Today hasn't been very different from any other Tuesday, but it could have been....should have been. Today, September 15, 2009, was our first baby's due date. As I walked into the hospital today and through the hall leading to the Birthplace, I couldn't help but tear up. I figured that on this date I would be wheeled up as a patient, deliver our baby, and leave the hospital as a family of 3 in a day or so. But I walked in alone and walked out alone, like every other day. As I sat in my office a expectant mother was walking the halls trying to speed up the labor process...it made my stomach knot to see her.

These past four months have been full of joy as we anticipate our winter baby. However, my heart still hurts and even as I sit here now typing, I can vividly remember sitting in this very chair on February 22 crying my eyes out and feeling like the rug had just been pulled out from under me. What we have experienced has made Blake and I stronger as a couple and individuals, but it has been painful. I went into the nursery today and got out the baby's memory box. I went through the momentos...the scrapbook I made, the letters, the ultrasound pictures, the items I had knit for the baby. One of the most precious items in the box are the socks. I was in the middle of taking a sock class when we found out that we had lost the baby. For days and nights I sat in bed knitting my socks...tears streaming down my face, it was something to keep my hands busy. It kept me sane. The women in the class with me knew that I was pregnant and at the last class someone asked me about the pregnancy which prompted me to reveal that I had miscarried a week earlier. I also revealed how much knitting this pair of socks had helped me. When the class was over, one of the older (wiser) women in the class came up to me and suggested that I knit a pair of baby socks with my leftover yarn that would match my pair. She said that someday I would have a beautiful healthy baby and that in the hospital we could wear our matching socks as a way to remember our angel baby. And so I did, the socks, both mine and baby's, are safely stored in the memory box. I can't wait until the next time I get them out...to take with us to the hospital in March.